My struggle with dependency

I guess the title of this post, might, at first glance indicate that I struggle with some sort of addiction or vice in my life.   You might even think that writing on a blog in the middle of cyber space about those struggles with dependency might offer some therapeutic remedy or give me some peace of mind by just putting it out there.  I can certainly see the benefit of doing something like that and have had plenty of dealings with certain vices in my life. Although my first post will deal with dependency,  not my struggle to avoid it.  Rather, how I have managed to avoid it for so long.  How I continued to battle in my own strength to serve God on my own.  I was convinced God just needed to tell me what to do and then I would do it all on my own.

   There is nothing wrong with on your own is there?  On your own is noble and good, right?.  On your own is where all responsible, strong, and manly men reside, right?  We carry the load, we do the job, we "take care of business".  There is just one more thing to know about on your own it is also where all responsible, strong, and manly men, crash, crater, get buried, and burn out.  I believed for so long that I not only could do it on my own, but even worse, I thought I should.  My math was all messed up. I believed that more effort and work equalled more of what God wanted from me and equalled more of what he wants but I was doing the worlds math.  God wants my weakness, my inability, my vulnerability, and my emptiness.  He in short wants my total dependence on him.  For those of us who know him and don't depend on him, he will take us where he must to get it.  He will take us to where we need to go until we are low enough on our selves and have exhaused every thing we know and then, and only then, when we call out to him for something more.  When we cry out to him and say "I need you to....." then we are dependent on him and can be used by him.  The disciples werent huddled in the upper room for fellowship, they were waiting for some "helper" to come, they were scared and alone and calling out to God in complete dependency on him and then the Spirit was sent.  God doesn't want me to fight to serve him, he want me to surrender.  He want me empty and dependent on him, it is not a fun journey to total dependence.  It is, however, rewarding and worth it.  I am not even close to arriving in a state of dependence, but I am on my way.   On my knees, on my face, but not on my feet.  I surrender to you God.